Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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