Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
