Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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