I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
