The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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