stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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