I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
