How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
