i jhust puked up my retainher.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
