I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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