just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
