Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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