somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
