Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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