just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
