i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
she told me i tasted like america
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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