He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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