why im i the only drunk person in the library?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
