well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
