if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
