my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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