Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
