Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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