My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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