i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
