I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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