I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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