so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
