non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
