I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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