he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
