I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
