I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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