I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
