How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
