I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
