I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
