New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
