Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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