Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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