I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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