Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
