Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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