I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
