i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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