The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
