the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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