Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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