What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
