im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
