i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
