some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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