No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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